Maybe somehow, this scam will still save us all
At the moment, I feel like anything I write will come out as a string of cliches. It must be done though.
Yes, I have a new girlfriend. She is cute with an Alkaline Trio tattoo and snake-bite lip piercings. She likes to wear crowns and silly dresses from American Apparel. Her room is a cave situated in the midst of a debris filled jungle that the people there call home. The place has been nicknamed “the little blue crack den” for obvious reasons if you were to see it.
Leaving my girlfriend of four years was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I feel like shit, although there is no word that truly encompasses what I feel — I keep trying. Expletives seem the most appropriate lately.
While we talked about it, everything she said made complete sense and was so articulate, even through her crying. It would have been easier if I was still not madly in love with her. Maybe if our relationship was deteriorating it would make more sense. This could be the biggest mistake of my life, but it is my mistake to make ( a vague conviction that I have been desperately holding on to for my own sanity). She called me back shortly after we broke up and confirmed that yes, “You’re making a big mistake, a big fucking mistake.” She said it for her own self-respect and I do not blame her.
Writing every goddamn thing that goes on in my head is going to be the death of me.
I had a naive notion that she would come down for the weekend as planned and then we would talk about what I was going through. I wanted to see her and then I thought things would make more sense. Plans fell through after she read my last blog post where I mentioned my conscience not being clear and then made a less-than imaginative metaphor. I told her that I would explain what I meant over the weekend. That was too far away.
I wonder how she is doing and if she is reading this right now. I wonder what ratio of anger and sadness is directed at me and how she feels about me writing on this topic. I wonder if she regrets being with me for so long.
Another naive notion I had was that she would still talk to me after we broke up. I have only received accidental phone calls that she has dialed out of habit.
I just texted my girlfriend that “the blog is a piss-poor thing for my sanity.”
Before I take off for the night, I will mention that the show went very well and that Making Eyes and the Toy Tambourine has two more shows lined up (one at the Wayward Council and another at 1982).
My girlfriend just left this evening to go on a cruise and then hang around her hometown of Miami for a week, so I will probably have plenty of desperetely needed time to focus on writing new songs, organizing my life and keeping up with school.